healing

Not my fairy tale…

Posted on by Larissa L.

I’m not stuck here. My feet are not roots.

What have I done? Who have I become? Why am I so submissive and accepting? Am I buying time? Am I settling? Am I distracted?…..

Am I going to submit to this life that is so much less than I desire? This life that is so much different that my dreams? This life that is not rewarding and doesn’t recognize the potential that isn’t going to be wasted? This life that I dread returning to? This life that I hope is different when I wake up….

“I mean it!” I’m sure you did. But guess what? I mean it, too….

I mean that I’m more than the morning cough, the breakfast cough, the entire. DAY. FREAKING. COUGH. I’m so much more than that….and I honestly believe you’re ok with living a life that ensures that God awful cough is possible. I’m not ok with that…..

I’m not ok with the tracker. I’m not ok with the lack of ambition. I’m not ok with the snide and demeaning comments. I’m not ok with settling. I’m not ok with control. I’m not ok with the hindering of my dreams. I’m not ok with the lack of growth. I’m not ok……

I am strong, though. I am determined. I am capable. I am…..willing.

I will not stop growing. I will not let you tie my wings. I will not lessen my person to appease yours. I will not regret being the best me. I will not look back.

Today, I will prepare for the day I walk into my dreams…..if you’re coming, you better start digging the dirt from around your roots and get ready to attempt to be different. My feet aren’t planted yet…..

I AM JUST NOW STARTING TO BLOOM.

You’re allowed to be angry.

Posted on by Larissa L.

an·ger
/ˈaNGɡər/

Learn to pronounce
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
“the colonel’s anger at his daughter’s disobedience”

Oxford Dictionary
  • Mad
  • Irate
  • Detest
  • Furious

We are allowed to feel anger. We are allowed to be mad, irate, to detest people or situations, to be furious. We NEED to be this way occasionally. Anger is normal. Anger is healthy. Anger is also dangerous…

“When someone is experiencing and expressing anger, he or she is not using the thinking (cortex) part of the brain, but primarily, the limbic center of the brain.”

Simply put, the limbic center of the brain is where your survival skills are located. When we are angry, we are not thinking clearly. When we are angry, we are simply trying to protect ourselves from any type of outside predator. When we are angry and make decisions is when we allow them to win. I want to FEEL anger but I do not want to STAY ANGRY.

In this moment, I remind myself who is in control of my entire well being. I am.

You believe yourself.

Posted on by Larissa L.

IMAGINE THIS.

It’s 10:30 AM on a Sunday morning and you’re sitting on your porch innocently drinking coffee with your husband and your kids are bathed, fed, and now playing in the yard in front of you filling the world with laughs, sibling arguments, but so much happiness. Then it comes through…the toxicity…the unavoidable…unwelcomed…short but heavy text message. You believe every word you type. You believe you’re innocent. How? Why?

“Stop being a brat.”

Amazingly enough you still feel like you have the power over me despite all of the damage you’ve intentionally caused. You still think that you’re the “trophy” everyone admires. You still think today will go forward just as any other day with no consequences resulting from your actions. Today is different.

Trauma is not your fault but healing is your responsibility.

Unknown

It’s a small step but not silently suffering and being worried about how you’re feeling feels so good.

Disappointed but not surprised.

Posted on by Larissa L.

I’ll never be the same again.

What is your purpose here? #purpose I know what it is supposed to be but the lack of fulfillment indicates it must be something else.

Protection. That’s what you were supposed to provide and that was supposed to be your purpose! At least, SOMETIMES. I never DREAMED you would be the “bad guy” in my life. #youknewitfromdayone You are a monster! I screamed these words to the emptiness I felt inside of me and the openess that was around me that day.

Deception, pain, anger. That’s what you did provide and perhaps, that was your sick twisted purpose. I got quiet because the intensity of the betrayal I felt was new. I had never felt an emotion as blistering as I felt that of betrayal in that moment. Completely overwhelmed. Numb.

I wonder what it’s like within the lonley, angry, vingeful thought process you must have or do I? Do I want to know what it’s like? Terrifying. I’m positive it is terrifying. It must be close to insanity or perhaps it’s further gone than that. If there was a split second that you considered this a good idea then there is something much larger occurring inside of you than I have ever been aware. You are a stranger.

You created me. I am YOUR flesh and blood. I am the closest thing to you that there currently is or that there will ever be. You say, “I love you more than life.” You also say, “You are the reason I want to be alive.” Here’s my favorite thing you say, “I love my grandkids more than my own child and I never thought that was possible.” All of those statements are untrue. Of course you would say, “You’re wrong.” Actions speak so much louder than words and recently, you’ve acted well enough to convince me that there is absolutely no “love” inside of you. Why do you hate me?

Typically, your actions or kind acts are part of a preconceived plan you’ve created that leads to you gaining something in the end. #narcissist There are never moments in your life that you can geninunely be kind or giving to someone withouth expecting recognition or something given back to you. You are selfish and you honestly believe that you’re kind. You are cold and you honestly believe that you present with warmth. You are empty.

You will not take one more moment from me because I am not going to let you.

The game changed in that moment and I realized I was going to make sure you knew what I had to bring to the table. With no thanks to you. #gamechanger

This day was a day in my life that I will never forget due to the intensity of that ONE emotion and I will never be the same again. #myheartfeltlikeitliterallybrokethatday

Taking A Stand..

Posted on by Larissa L.

I am recovering from people pleasing and insecurity, childhood trauma, weakness, an absent father, an alcoholic and narcissistic mother, and years of allowing all of that to be in control.

It stops, now.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.