Not my fairy tale…

Posted on by Larissa L.

I’m not stuck here. My feet are not roots.

What have I done? Who have I become? Why am I so submissive and accepting? Am I buying time? Am I settling? Am I distracted?…..

Am I going to submit to this life that is so much less than I desire? This life that is so much different that my dreams? This life that is not rewarding and doesn’t recognize the potential that isn’t going to be wasted? This life that I dread returning to? This life that I hope is different when I wake up….

“I mean it!” I’m sure you did. But guess what? I mean it, too….

I mean that I’m more than the morning cough, the breakfast cough, the entire. DAY. FREAKING. COUGH. I’m so much more than that….and I honestly believe you’re ok with living a life that ensures that God awful cough is possible. I’m not ok with that…..

I’m not ok with the tracker. I’m not ok with the lack of ambition. I’m not ok with the snide and demeaning comments. I’m not ok with settling. I’m not ok with control. I’m not ok with the hindering of my dreams. I’m not ok with the lack of growth. I’m not ok……

I am strong, though. I am determined. I am capable. I am…..willing.

I will not stop growing. I will not let you tie my wings. I will not lessen my person to appease yours. I will not regret being the best me. I will not look back.

Today, I will prepare for the day I walk into my dreams…..if you’re coming, you better start digging the dirt from around your roots and get ready to attempt to be different. My feet aren’t planted yet…..

I AM JUST NOW STARTING TO BLOOM.

Taking A Stand..

Posted on by Larissa L.

I am recovering from people pleasing and insecurity, childhood trauma, weakness, an absent father, an alcoholic and narcissistic mother, and years of allowing all of that to be in control.

It stops, now.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Trouble into TRIUMPH.

Posted on by Larissa L.

Have you ever heard that saying, “Turn your troubles into triumphs?” It sounds great, doesn’t it? Then you turn to walk away while rolling your eyes with a tear rolling down your cheek because you feel so much anger and frustration that someone would even have the audacity to say that to you when they haven’t been in your shoes or felt your feelings. I mean, HOW DO you attempt to celebrate a hard day? How do you tell your heart, mind, and soul that this is a celebatory moment rather than a moment of devastation? How do you smile when you’re supposed to be sad? How do you laugh when you’re supposed to cry?

How do you laugh when you’re supposed to cry?

MINDSET.

One word answer. Simple definition. And that’s it. You change your mindset. When you start changing the way you think and react to situations, you’re suddenly in control. The things that would have

You have to start trying to do it.

You have to make an effort to take something you see or have felt as bad and turn it into something good.

For instance:

It may be that your tired blew on the way to work and you thank God for interrupting your path because you passed an accident afterward.

It may be that you have a leak in your plumbing in your kitchen in October but are then thankful that you caught it before winter and the pipes busted and caused more damage and you had to pay more money.

It may be that you got declined on the mortgage loan you applied for but then you lost your job the week of being told “No.” by the bank.

Or maybe you have difficult, toxic, and unsupportive parents who have chosen themselves over you your entire life but you now have children of your own that you’re determined to do the EXACT OPPOSITE for. Maybe that’s why things happen that hurt but are later used to bless your life, the ones you love, or even a stranger….either way, it feels much better to turn those troubles into triumphs.

ONCE YOU START DOING THAT; there will be things that happen, people that reach out, messages from the universe if you listen, etc. that make your days, your weeks, your months, and your years better. You’ll smile for no reason or there will be small little reasons that pop up more often to make you smile.

I decided yesterday to stop getting stuck in my negative/sad/mad/disappointed thoughts and being thankful for my blessings. I received a message from a sweet girl this morning that I do not talk to on a normal basis and the message has uplifted me the entire day. Also, guess what I did when I read the message? I SMILED.

HERE’S THE MESSAGE:

“Larissa,
I received this email and made me think about you so thought I would share. I’ve been following your blog. I don’t know what you’re going through but know that I’m praying. I hope I’m not overstepping here, but… when you don’t feel that you have a good relationship your parents, remember that you have a heavenly Father who Loves you!! No matter what and will always be there for you. Don’t let the devil steal your JOY!!

“What negative thing in your life is being replaced with beauty?

Your ashes have names like disappointment, grief, pain, and heartache. On your own, they are a suffocating pile of dusty debris crowding your life’s path and limiting your ability to move forward.

But with God, something else happens. Out of the ashes, out of the gray ruins, rises something beautiful and remarkable that causes your heart to rejoice in His faithfulness. Just like people in the Bible were sometimes given new names with new meanings, your ashes take on new meaning and the outcome a new name.

Joy. Gladness. Rejoicing. Praise. Laughter. Peace. Restoration.

The old is being replaced with the new as God lovingly molds you into His likeness and turns your circumstances into a display of His glory. What once was just a bad memory becomes a glass through which you are able to see Him more clearly in your life.

“…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3

God is faithful, and He is working all things – the highs and the lows – for your good and His glory. What may now seem like an experience marked only by sadness or disappointment will be transformed into a story of His goodness.

– Danita & the Women of Joy team”

I carried that smile with me today & it felt good.

Stop with the pity party.

Posted on by Larissa L.

“Why does my life have to be so different?” “Why can’t I have parents that actually care?” “Why did I get dealt these cards because there are days I don’t think I can do it.”

It suddenly hit me that I was wasting every possible GOOD/HAPPY moment on the people and situations I kept voicing that I wanted to get so badly away from. STOP GIVING THEM ANY OF YOUR ENERGY. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop giving your well being to something or someone THAT IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. Just STOP.

There have been times that I have been sitting in my living room on the couch just in a daze because my mind kept going to the things that I felt to be the most unfortunate in my life. It was as if there was nothing going on around me and I was behaving as if I had nothing, no one, and no chance to change it. But guess what? I AM ABUNDUNTLY BLESSED. I was taking every good thing in my life for granted and letting precious moments slip away because I was too selfish to realize that there are far more positive aspects to my life than negative and I was also being too small minded to see that I had been blessed with these things regardless of what I did not have.

We create our own happiness.

Read that again. WE CREATE OUR OWN HAPPINESS. We cannot sit around and wait for the world or life to change into the image we have in our mind of what it’s supposed to be. The supposed to be is simply that, an image. It’s not realistic; IT. DOES. NOT. EXIST. When we allow ourselves to become so consumed in the part of our life that is less than perfecct than we miss the chance to enjoy and be involved in the portion of our life that is close to perfect.

Laughs. Giggles. Tickle time. “Read this book to me.” Cuddles. Memories. Most importantly…the chance to give your own children something you never had. I was missing out on that. I was choosing to remain sad and quiet and disconnected from the uplifting environment of my own home. I was allowing the negative thoughts to infect my interaction with my own family which was creating a negative environment. I was turning into exactly what I did not want. I stopped though. I reeled it in. I got over myself.

As hard as it may be to grasp, accept, let go of, or live without, sometimes it is what it is. You can choose to stay STUCK in the never ending spiral of hurt and pain or you can accept it for what it is and move forward with the rest. I choose that, now. I choose to move forward and have accepted that I do not and will never have the parental relationships other people have. That’s ok, though. I wasn’t created to have that and I was created to be a strong woman with a desire to improve the world and break the cycle so that’s just what I am going to do….or at least try. What I am not going to do is waste one more second of the life I have been taking for granted on the toxins that will swallow me whole if I allow them to.

Starting today…I’m moving on.

The memory of the balloon is there. What it looked like, how it felt, and the strength it took to hold on to for so long. Once the balloon was released, so was it’s weight. The memories are still there but I don’t have to hold onto it anymore.

Be Nosy.

Posted on by Larissa L.

Who am I? You’ll never know.

I do know the answers to some questions about me, though. Remember that game 20 questions? Well, let’s play. Kind of……..

1.) What is your middle name? Marie-Lynne

2.) What was your favorite subject in high school? English

3.) What is your favorite drink? Cranberry juice

4.) What is your favorite song now? Even Though I’m Leaving by Luke Combs

5.) What is your favorite book? The Notebook

6.) What is your favorite color? Pink

7.) What is your favorite animal? Dog

8.) What is your favorite perfume? BBW Body Spray – Hello Beautiful

9.) What is your favorite holiday? Valentine’s Day

10.) What is your favorite store? Zulily

11.) What is your favorite restaurant? Japanese Steak Houses

12.) What is your favorite movie? Sweet Home Alabama

13.) What is your favorite TV show? This Is Us

14.) PC or Mac? Mac but I am surviving with an HP right now

15.) What phone do you have? iPhone XR

16.) Do you have any pets? Yes. 2 dogs and 1 cat. Suzy, Addie, and Cat.

17.) Have you been out of the country? No.

18.) Do you speak any other language? No.

19.) Do you have any siblings? Yes. 1 sister.

20.) Have you participated in any sports? I played basketball, softball, did cheerleading, and ran track in high school.

You’re allowed to be angry.

Posted on by Larissa L.

an·ger
/ˈaNGɡər/

Learn to pronounce
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
“the colonel’s anger at his daughter’s disobedience”

Oxford Dictionary
  • Mad
  • Irate
  • Detest
  • Furious

We are allowed to feel anger. We are allowed to be mad, irate, to detest people or situations, to be furious. We NEED to be this way occasionally. Anger is normal. Anger is healthy. Anger is also dangerous…

“When someone is experiencing and expressing anger, he or she is not using the thinking (cortex) part of the brain, but primarily, the limbic center of the brain.”

Simply put, the limbic center of the brain is where your survival skills are located. When we are angry, we are not thinking clearly. When we are angry, we are simply trying to protect ourselves from any type of outside predator. When we are angry and make decisions is when we allow them to win. I want to FEEL anger but I do not want to STAY ANGRY.

In this moment, I remind myself who is in control of my entire well being. I am.

Torn.

Posted on by Larissa L.

It’s a battle. When I say battle, what comes to your mind?

“Sometimes by losing the battle, you find new ways to win the war.”

Donald Trump

It’s brutal. It’s disabling. It’s the terrorist attack your heart has gave the “GO” to on your mind. Yes you read that right: heart battling mind. You always know the right answer or the best answer or the most logical answer. You always know…but then it happens. Your feelings, your emotions, your very own beating heart gets involved. Suddenly, you question every “right” thing you ever knew. Your neighbor wouldn’t question your right or wrong. You know why? Simply because: THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT. Your neighbor would simply pick the right answer and carry on. What if it was that easy? What if you were able to shut your emotional battle down so you were able to win the war? What if……

My journey is teaching me to win the war but I’ve lost and I am losing battles in between. I’m also learning to embrace those losses and maintain focus on the end goal •••• WINNING THE WAR.

“Plant a seed and watch it grow.”

You believe yourself.

Posted on by Larissa L.

IMAGINE THIS.

It’s 10:30 AM on a Sunday morning and you’re sitting on your porch innocently drinking coffee with your husband and your kids are bathed, fed, and now playing in the yard in front of you filling the world with laughs, sibling arguments, but so much happiness. Then it comes through…the toxicity…the unavoidable…unwelcomed…short but heavy text message. You believe every word you type. You believe you’re innocent. How? Why?

“Stop being a brat.”

Amazingly enough you still feel like you have the power over me despite all of the damage you’ve intentionally caused. You still think that you’re the “trophy” everyone admires. You still think today will go forward just as any other day with no consequences resulting from your actions. Today is different.

Trauma is not your fault but healing is your responsibility.

Unknown

It’s a small step but not silently suffering and being worried about how you’re feeling feels so good.

Disappointed but not surprised.

Posted on by Larissa L.

I’ll never be the same again.

What is your purpose here? #purpose I know what it is supposed to be but the lack of fulfillment indicates it must be something else.

Protection. That’s what you were supposed to provide and that was supposed to be your purpose! At least, SOMETIMES. I never DREAMED you would be the “bad guy” in my life. #youknewitfromdayone You are a monster! I screamed these words to the emptiness I felt inside of me and the openess that was around me that day.

Deception, pain, anger. That’s what you did provide and perhaps, that was your sick twisted purpose. I got quiet because the intensity of the betrayal I felt was new. I had never felt an emotion as blistering as I felt that of betrayal in that moment. Completely overwhelmed. Numb.

I wonder what it’s like within the lonley, angry, vingeful thought process you must have or do I? Do I want to know what it’s like? Terrifying. I’m positive it is terrifying. It must be close to insanity or perhaps it’s further gone than that. If there was a split second that you considered this a good idea then there is something much larger occurring inside of you than I have ever been aware. You are a stranger.

You created me. I am YOUR flesh and blood. I am the closest thing to you that there currently is or that there will ever be. You say, “I love you more than life.” You also say, “You are the reason I want to be alive.” Here’s my favorite thing you say, “I love my grandkids more than my own child and I never thought that was possible.” All of those statements are untrue. Of course you would say, “You’re wrong.” Actions speak so much louder than words and recently, you’ve acted well enough to convince me that there is absolutely no “love” inside of you. Why do you hate me?

Typically, your actions or kind acts are part of a preconceived plan you’ve created that leads to you gaining something in the end. #narcissist There are never moments in your life that you can geninunely be kind or giving to someone withouth expecting recognition or something given back to you. You are selfish and you honestly believe that you’re kind. You are cold and you honestly believe that you present with warmth. You are empty.

You will not take one more moment from me because I am not going to let you.

The game changed in that moment and I realized I was going to make sure you knew what I had to bring to the table. With no thanks to you. #gamechanger

This day was a day in my life that I will never forget due to the intensity of that ONE emotion and I will never be the same again. #myheartfeltlikeitliterallybrokethatday