“Why does my life have to be so different?” “Why can’t I have parents that actually care?” “Why did I get dealt these cards because there are days I don’t think I can do it.”
It suddenly hit me that I was wasting every possible GOOD/HAPPY moment on the people and situations I kept voicing that I wanted to get so badly away from.
STOP GIVING THEM ANY OF YOUR ENERGY. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop giving your well being to something or someone THAT IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. Just STOP.
There have been times that I have been sitting in my living room on the couch just in a daze because my mind kept going to the things that I felt to be the most unfortunate in my life. It was as if there was nothing going on around me and I was behaving as if I had nothing, no one, and no chance to change it. But guess what? I AM ABUNDUNTLY BLESSED. I was taking every good thing in my life for granted and letting precious moments slip away because I was too selfish to realize that there are far more positive aspects to my life than negative and I was also being too small minded to see that I had been blessed with these things regardless of what I did not have.
We create our own happiness.
Read that again. WE CREATE OUR OWN HAPPINESS. We cannot sit around and wait for the world or life to change into the image we have in our mind of what it’s supposed to be. The supposed to be is simply that, an image. It’s not realistic; IT. DOES. NOT. EXIST. When we allow ourselves to become so consumed in the part of our life that is less than perfecct than we miss the chance to enjoy and be involved in the portion of our life that is close to perfect.
Laughs. Giggles. Tickle time. “Read this book to me.” Cuddles. Memories. Most importantly…the chance to give your own children something you never had. I was missing out on that. I was choosing to remain sad and quiet and disconnected from the uplifting environment of my own home. I was allowing the negative thoughts to infect my interaction with my own family which was creating a negative environment. I was turning into exactly what I did not want. I stopped though. I reeled it in. I got over myself.
As hard as it may be to grasp, accept, let go of, or live without, sometimes it is what it is. You can choose to stay STUCK in the never ending spiral of hurt and pain or you can accept it for what it is and move forward with the rest. I choose that, now. I choose to move forward and have accepted that I do not and will never have the parental relationships other people have. That’s ok, though. I wasn’t created to have that and I was created to be a strong woman with a desire to improve the world and break the cycle so that’s just what I am going to do….or at least try. What I am not going to do is waste one more second of the life I have been taking for granted on the toxins that will swallow me whole if I allow them to.
Starting today…I’m moving on.
The memory of the balloon is there. What it looked like, how it felt, and the strength it took to hold on to for so long. Once the balloon was released, so was it’s weight. The memories are still there but I don’t have to hold onto it anymore.